Aunty's Funeral

As a funeral director, I'm often approached by friends for advice on whether or not they should take their children to a funeral. The following is an email I sent to a friend in response to her question as to whether it was proper to take her four year old son to her aunt's funeral.

I think it's smart that you're taking your son to the funeral. It gives him an opportunity to experience death without emotional attachment, which doesn't really affect his life.

As I said before, explain to him what he can expect to see. The body lying in the casket, the people, etc. Tell him there may be some sad people because they loved her and they're going to miss her. If he asks why they'll miss her, tell him because her body is dead, and her spirit went to Heaven to be with God. Even though she is in a very good place, they will miss her.

If he asks about death, tell him death is when your body breaks, just like toys break, and your spirit goes to Heaven to be with God. Everyone has a spirit and when their body breaks, they don't need their body any more and their spirit goes to Heaven. Heaven is a wonderful place.

Just answer his questions. You don't need to volunteer information. He will probably go as deep as he is capable of. Don't be afraid to say you don't know if you don't know, or you think it's something that would disturb him.

Bring some coloring books and stuff to keep him occupied. If he doesn't want to go in and see her, that's OK. Just ask the funeral director if there's a place to take him where he can color etc.

Now, I feel that it is helpful to expose children to death at an early age. Children fear what they don't know. By keeping them away, they assume that whatever funerals are, they must be bad if Mommy and Daddy are keeping them away. However, it is always best to give your child the option of whether or not to attend a funeral. Forcing a child to view a dead body is just as bad if not worse than preventing them from seeing it.

I was 11 years old when my grandfather died. My parents did not let me go to the funeral. I was only allowed to attend the church service. Thirty-five years later, I'm still sorry I missed seeing him one last time, especially since he died unexpectedly.

Death is an inevitable part of life. Funerals are our way to grieve the dead as a community. Children are beloved members of our family, and they need an opportunity to grieve as well.